I don’t know what lamebrain lawyer represents the Hardrock ISD, but I figure that you do, so I’m sending this correspondence to you. I hereby make a demand for $1,000,000 in actual damages, plus punitive damages in an amount so large that it cannot be calculated on my handheld device. We make this righteous demand due to the callous, deliberately indifferent, colossally negligent, monumentally stupid actions of key personnel in the aforementioned HISD. To wit: they misspelled my client’s name and misrepresented her age on the marquee in front of the school. This inaccurate information was posted on a large, well lit sign, clearly visible from a major artery carrying thousands of cars, hundreds of bicycles and a few brave pedestrians each day. The sign was posted on Friday and sat there in error over the entire weekend. On the following Monday, my client brought this travesty to the attention of the school secretary who promised to “get right on it.” Perhaps said secretary’s understanding of “get right on it” differs from that of the ordinary prudent person. We will soon launch legal discovery requests to take the deposition of every person above a foot tall who was in the school building on this day in an effort to find out why the erroneous information was not corrected until 2:47p.m. that day.
The defamatory, libelous sign read as follows:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MESILLA JONES! 10 YEARS OLD!! A person (any person) of ordinary intelligence, exercising due diligence and reasonable care would have known that her name is MELISSA and she was celebrating her 11th birthday.
Obviously, this completely ruined Melissa’s 11th birthday. But not only that—the pain of this year’s events will linger, coming fresh to my client’s mind, disturbing her sleep and serenity on the 12th birthday, her 13th birthday, her 27th birthday, her 48th birthday and on and on. Actuarial tables tell us that this healthy 11-year old American girl has a life expectancy of 85 years. Thus my client will suffer over this incident for 74 years.
On top of that, she has been ridiculed, ostracized and bullied by her peers, who now delight in calling her “Mesilla” or “Silla” or “Silly Silla.”
Exacerbating my client’s pain is the fact that her parents were required to pay for the privilege of having their daughter ’s birthday highlighted on the school marquee. $10 for the day, and $15 if you wanted it up all weekend. So the parents are out $15 out of pocket, which, I assure you, is only the beginning of our demand for compensation.
We also intend to point out to the court that the school district went way beyond its mission in this instance. Since when can school districts accept money for advertising like a common billboard company? We pay taxes so that our schools can educate our children, not so that they can operate an advertising for profit business. SEE YOU IN COURT.
DEAR SEE YOU:
We have forwarded your correspondence to the attorney for Hardrock ISD, but let me give you a sneak preview of the response you are likely to receive. First, there is nothing illegal about school districts accepting money for advertising, including marquee birthday announcements like this one. Most school districts have policies that address its fundraising and advertising activities. Second, you are going to have a hard time getting past the school district’s immunity from tort liability. Third, we think you are just a tad exaggerating your client’s damages. We expect you will get a nice letter pointing all that out, along with a check for $15. Enjoy.
Our superintendent is a girl. She goes to all of the girls’ athletic events, but not the boys. Is this a violation of Title IX? NOT A GIRL.
DEAR NOT A GIRL:
No. And we’re pretty sure that your superintendent is not a girl either.
I guess you know by now of the insidious plot to turn us all into vegans. “Meatless Monday” is just the camel’s nose in the tent. This is going to be followed by “Tofu Tuesday” “Wild Rice Wednesday” “Turnip Thursday” “Falafel Friday” “Salad Saturday” and “Seaweed Sunday.” How do we stop these people? COWS ARE FOR EATING.
The Dawg has no beef with vegetarians or vegans and sees no insidious plot here. “Meatless Monday” has been promoted by many health experts, dieticians and nutritionists. We don’t see a legal issue here—the school is responsible for serving meals that meet (meat?) federal standards and have broad discretion to prepare menus. Relax—and enjoy your next cheeseburger.
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